In honor of reports that the heat might break, I’ve compiled a couple of my favorite responses to the phrase I hear all day: “It’s hot!” I say it myself not because it’s breaking news but I can’t believe it. When I’m in the shop, I don’t know if people think I’ve come in at midnight so I don’t realize what’s going on outside. I do. So here are a couple of the comments I’ve kept to myself:

Responses to “It’s Hot!”

1) Really? Because I teleported here and haven’t been outside yet.

2)Like hot-hot or just hot? Because there’s a difference. There are also different definitions of “hot”…scale of 1 to Ryan Gosling…see you say Gosling, I say Lotche…

3)Do you think it has anything to do with the flannel shirt, sweatpants, and black parka you’re wearing?

4)We’re holding a Bikram yoga class in the parking lot in about 20 minutes if you want in.

5)Thanks, Paris Hilton. Like the change in catchphrase. Keeping it fresh.

6)I know. I’m sorry. That kind of happens in my wake. That’s why I moved in here. The kettles needed boiling.

7)See I was wondering what was going on. I can’t breathe. My clothes are sticking to me. I got this stuff called “sweat” in my eyes. My makeup is running down my face making me look like Dali’s “Scream”. Thank you for clearing that up for me.

8)It’s not hot out. You’re just a whiner.

9)Well if you had listened to the people back in the day, all the people saying we needed to take care of Mother Earth so it wouldn’t explode, maybe we wouldn’t be in this situation.

10) I have no concept of heat. Please come in and describe it to me. Go into long, drawn out detail on your experiences with heat.